abigail phoebe

"it's the stars i'm after"

i was recently watching a talk by Christina Koch, an astronaut on the Artemis II mission which went around the moon. and she shared a story of how when applying to university, she wrote "it's the stars i'm after" on her application letter.

this made me feel several things, the most prominent of which was confusingly relief; but relief from what?

as i sat with this question, i realised that it was relief for all of the times during my childhood i was told to "be realistic" about my dreams, and that i AM allowed to aim for the stars, that can be my goal, and i should not be embarrassed of it.

growing up, being an astronaut was always my dream, and i was very vocal about it. i can remember one day at school when i was 12 we had a "dress up as your future job" day, and i came dressed in a full orange astronaut jumpsuit, much to the enjoyment of some unsavoury individuals - but i didn't care, because i was gonna be an astronaut.

throughout my childhood, and much into my young-adult life, whenever someone would ask me "what do you want to be when you grow up?" (or similar) and i replied with "astronaut", i'd more often than not get told to "be realistic", and that even if i was the best of the best, i'd still likely not achieve it because of the small number of people selected, and that i should focus on a more plausible goal.

eventually this got to me, maybe everyone was right? maybe i should be more realistic, focus on something that i'm good at, like computer science. i stopped sharing my dream with anyone that asked. i spent a long time feeling embarrassed to say i want to be an astronaut, "that's a kids dream, i need to be realistic" i'd think. so i buried my head in computer science for a few years, after all - i'm good at computers, i can get a job with computers, and i can do really well at it.

i tried to focus on computers, programming, something else, anything else. maybe i'd be content if something i built reached space? what if i developed software that helped others get to space? what if i went into astrophysics? what if ...?

nothing worked. no matter how hard i tried; i couldn't suppress that feeling, the itch. i'd lie awake at night for hours, sometimes crying, that i won't ever achieve my dreams, that i'll be stuck in a field i don't particularly enjoy, and that i'll not make the child version of myself proud. i was wishing that i'd eventually be content with not being an astronaut, that one day i'd give up on my dream.

but i didn't give it up, no matter how hard i tried to push it away, i couldn't. eventually, it got too much. i had to at least start pretending space was the goal again, even if i was embarrassed every time i said so, even if those around me kept telling me to be realistic and focus on something else, even if i knew deep down it's never going to happen.

but... that didn't happen? i started telling the people close to me that my dream was to be an astronaut, and they... supported me? i was hesitant at first, as clearly these people are just being kind for the sake of being kind, they can't truly think i can do that, right? don't they know how unrealistic it is?

but they kept pushing me, and, eventually, i listened. i slowly started believing in myself again, feeling excited for the future again, but it still never felt quite right. i still felt... embarrassed? whenever i said to someone i want to go into astronautics, i always felt judged, even if they were absolutely not judging me. i was judging myself. after all, it's still a kids dream, one that you're supposed to grow out of.

if i saw an astronaut in media, i'd be both fascinated by them and their life story, and extremely envious of them for living my dream. but that didn't happen with Artemis II. i felt... hope? i'm not sure what was so profound about Artemis II, but something about them just... made me feel hopeful? not envious nor sad, just hope.

looking on social media, i'm not the only one wrangling with this feeling. i've seen countless people posting about their own dreams of reaching the stars being reignited by this mission, feeling able to dream again, being excited for their futures again.

this note is therefore somewhat dedicated to the Artemis II crew, as a thank you. thank you from myself for helping me believe in myself again, and thank you to what i suspect to be many others as well.

for the first time since i was 12, i truly feel like the stars are in reach again, i believe i can be an astronaut again, and i'm not going to let it go this time. whereas before i was trying to push away this desire, i am now weaponising it. i WILL become an astronaut, and i WILL achieve my dreams. it's the stars i'm after.